I've been sad for a while.

Not depressed mind you. Just sad. Like how you feel when the flowers die. The kind of feeling that make you tear up when you watch indian ads. Don't ask me why. Who knows why these things happen.

I thought if I blogged about it, it might make me feel better. But I've been staring at this screen for a while now and I can't think of how to put it. It's the Dubai bubble. It's that killer age - 29. It's the sand and the dust and the azaan in the morning. It's those chaps you fell in love with who moved on with someone they met after you.

Maybe it's the chaps. You ever dread getting emails or phone calls from those chaps? It's because you know that they only reason they ring you now is to tell you something good or something bad. It's not just idle chit-chat or catching up or shooting the breeze. You know them better than that and they know you would see right through them. No, the only reason they call is to tell you something monumental has happened. Like the birth of another baby. Or that they're getting married. To someone they met after you.

It's always the one after you, have you noticed? It is in my case. I must drive people to committment.

Then there are those that pop up unexpected when you had given up hope of seeing them again. Sometimes relationships mend themselves and snap back with renewed vigor. Those ones also I don't know wot to do with. Puts me in a tizzy. I start thinking about those chaps. Which is always a bad idea if you ask me. Thinking about chaps in general is bad and especially ones you had forsaken.

Then there are the ones that you wish you had never met. Because there is something about them that unsettles you. It's very illogical. They're perfectly normal people. I thought it would fade over time but, as I was so rudely reminded today, it doesn't. It stays the same. It might get worse actually.

There's something about Pinto that gives you pangs. Like I said, it's perfectly illogical. It's not like there'a anything wrong with him. He seems fine. Happy and healthy (besides an abnormally high cholesterol number and rapidly declining weight). It's those same pangs that fortell doom. You ever get those? Sometimes on a perfectly normal sunny day you'll know in your gut it's going to rain. I hate feeling like this because I know it's going to happen. It only compounds the sadness.

This doesn't make any sense. It shouldn't make any sense. It befuddles my mind and keeps me awake which confuses me further.

Gah. I don't know. I just don't know. It's all the spaghetti in my head.