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My professional life is fraught with dealing with people like this

They say it's my birthday!

Is it your birthday too?!


So like I've had midnight cake (with flowers thank you very much) and cake at lunch today and I'm going out to dinner with friends tonight and there might be cake there and there's definitely going to be cake at the party this weekend so alls I'm saying, if you're going to get me anything for my birthday, make sure it's not cake.

Black Cobra has confirmed that inhaling helium, while makes for good funny voices, is actually harmful to the lungs so I'm going to have to come up with other party entertainment.

And to all yous who think I'm wierd for carrying around dental floss, I had a lobster roll for lunch. So there.

Presents!

Pain

It starts with a twinge. Just a twinge. Then before you know it, you're howling like an abandoned baby banshee who just wants to be held for a while and fed some warm milk. It's the feeling of utter gut-wrenching nauseating want to tear your own eyeballs out agony that makes you weak in the head and causes your kidneys to spontaneously dysfunction. Sometimes it hurts so bad you want to lie down on the floor and eat a corner of the carpet. Why? Well because it's there. Because it's something you have control over. After you're done, the carpet will be damaged. Torn. Affected. Unlike the source of the disturbing anguish that sucks the living air out of the cells at the back of your throat when you're trying not to scream into your blankie. Oh the blankie understands. The blankie knows you. It will never leave. It might get a bit shredded due to the ravages of time and the ravaging child in you but it'll be there till you throw it out. Not the other way around. So you cling. Cling in mishope of some possibility of fulfillment in the warm, almost suffocating comfort of your blankie. Even the internet fails you. You have to put in something to get something out of the ether. But not the blankie. The blankie will offer itself up as something to squeeze no matter what. Very self-sacrificing that way, blankies are.

Pain hurts man. Sometimes it really just... hurts.

Got my first speeding ticket today

First! $100 for doing a 35 in a 25 zone. No seriously, who drives at 25 mph?! Mean cop was very stern about it. Perfect record ruined now. Boo.

Ate a cheeseburger for dinner. Can't sleep. Prolly over guilt about the cheeseburger. Damn the temptation!

Wish you were here to play games with.

Le Petit-bourgeoisie are stuck in the embouteillage

So the trip to the Cape was fun. Gamma arrived Thursday night and stayed over and we planned to take off around 4 pm on Friday only one of the Partners was so anxious about us sitting in traffic that he kicked us out of the office at 2. Which wasn't such a bad thing, given that it then took us only 3 hours to get to Orleans. We sang show tunes most of the way and debated the pros and cons of our respective travel guides (I had the Fodors and Gamma had the Rough Guide). Marie slept.

The Inn was lovely. Low ceilings and potpourri wreaths and paisley wallpaper. It's right on the cove so that was peaceful. Of course, the minute we arrived, the first thing we did was go to the TJ Maxx across the street. You can take the girls to the country but you can't get them to stop shopping.

We ate lots of seafood (which was quite disappointing in the end actually), climbed the Pilgrim Monument (yes, me too!), took lots of pictures, went whale watching (saw 7 humpbacks!), slept, took lots of pictures, and hung out at the beach (not as much as I'd like to). The ride back was uneventful only Marie kept shifting from one lane to the other on the way to Sagamore Bridge which was pointless because traffic wasn't moving more than 20 mph and so therefore we got lots of strange looks from everybody else. I spent most of the time counting net pods on trees on the drive in. Very entertaining.

Well, that's the update. Yes, I know it's not much but hey, you asked :)

Only $89,500

Think it might be too much for a birthday present?

It's a pity that vehicular manslaughter is wrong

ACTUAL LETTER TO PROCTOR AND GAMBLE

This is a letter written to one of the top executives at Proctor and Gamble. Means a bit more to the gals than the guys.

Dear Mr. Thatcher,

I have been a loyal user of your Always maxi pads for over 20 years and I appreciate many of their features. Why, without the LeakGuard Core(tm) or Dri-Weave(tm) absorbency, I'd probably never go horseback riding or salsa dancing, and I'd certainly steer clear of running up and down the beach in tight, white shorts. But my favourite feature has to be your revolutionary Flexi-Wings. Kudos on being the only company smart enough to realize how crucial it is that maxi pads be aerodynamic. I can't tell you how safe and secure I feel each month knowing there's a little F-16 in my pants. Have you ever had a menstrual period, Mr. Thatcher? Ever suffered from "the curse"? I'm guessing you haven't. Well, my ‘time of the month’ is starting right now. As I type, I can already feel hormonal forces violently surging through my body. Just a few minutes from now, my body will adjust and I'll be transformed into what my husband likes to call "an inbred hillbilly with knife skills." Isn't the human body amazing? As Branch Manager in the Feminine-hygiene Division, you've no doubt seen quite a bit of research on what exactly happens during your customers' monthly visits from "Aunt Flo". Therefore, you must know about the bloating, puffiness, and cramping we endure, and about our intense mood swings, crying jags, and out-of-control behaviour. You surely realize it's a tough time for most women. In fact, only last week, my friend Jennifer fought the violent urge to shove her boyfriend's testicles into a George Foreman Grill just because he told her he thought Grey's Anatomy was written by drunken chimps. Crazy! The point is, sir, you of all people must realize that America is just crawling with homicidal maniacs in Capri pants... which brings me to the reason for my letter.

Last month, while in the throes of cramping so painful I wanted to reach inside my body and yank out my uterus, I opened an Always maxi-pad, and there, printed on the adhesive backing, were these words: "Have a Happy Period".

"Are you f…..g kidding me?" What I mean is, does any part of your tiny middle-manager brain really think happiness - actual smiling, laughing happiness - is possible during a menstrual period? Did anything mentioned above sound the least bit pleasurable? Well, did it, James? FYI, unless you're some kind of sick S&M freak girl, there will never be anything "happy" about a day in which you have to jack yourself up on Motrin and Kahlua and lock yourself in your house just so you don't march down to the local Walgreen's armed with a hunting rifle and a sketchy plan to end your life in a blaze of glory.

For the love of God, pull your head out, man! If you just have to slap a moronic message on a maxi pad, wouldn't it make more sense to say something that's actually pertinent, like "Put Down the Hammer" or "Vehicular Manslaughter Is Wrong", or are you just picking on us? Sir, please inform your Accounting Department that, effective immediately, there will be an $8 drop in monthly profits, for have chosen to take my maxi-pad business elsewhere. And though I will certainly miss your Flex-Wings, I will not for one minute miss your brand of condescending bullshit. And that's a promise I will keep... Always.

Read it here.