I had an interview today
It was awful. I can't stop mumbling. Maybe I need diction lessons. But I've interviewed millions of times. Ok, maybe not millions but plenty enough. They asked me about the one year gap in my resume. I told them a personal family problem made me take a year off work. They looked at me questioningly. I couldn't tell them any more. I said it was a private issue. Then I looked away. I couldn't look at them anymore. I steadily focused on the plastic plant in the room. They moved on to the next question. There were three of them. The short agressive Indian woman intimidated me. I interview so much better with white guys. I can make the prejudice work for me. Brown black and pink guys too. And most women. But not Indian women. They're scary man. They wanted to know why I wanted to work for them. I told them. They didn't get it. I asked them why they wanted to hire me. They couldn't say. They gave me the marketing pitch. If they believe it, they think I will. I won't. It's all so confusing. I'm confused. It's so hard to spin a story around 4 paragraphs. Why? It's my life. I know it inside out. I know more about it than anyone else. Why is it so hard to tell someone about it? I know wot I want. Do I know wot I want? Maybe I don't know wot I want. Dammit, will I ever get the job I want? I hate self-doubt. It's a killer. My Achillies heel. Fear is the killer. Must not fear.
I can't stop trembling. I have the shakes. Like some ex-Club Med junkie. I can't stop. Emily's interview was terrible too. She couldn't divide 10.something by 10.something else. It was awful. Maybe it's a bad day for interviews.
I don't even want this job that bad. I wish I had someone to talk to. You're all at work. Nobody will answer my calls. I really do need someone to talk to. I should get me a therapist. Or maybe a Captain Awesome (and the Wonder Friends) t-shirt to wear inside my maroon suit.
Post post note: I'm in my Systems class and have been talking about GRASP patterns and I'm feeling a lot better for wallowing in my geekiness. Thank you, very nice bald-headed wrestler-type professor. You have very nifty ballet moves.
You will also be pleased to know that my white winter jacket has been returned by drycleaners in spotless condition. Yay Izzy (for women)!
I'm not quite as morose. Things are a little bit better. More calm. I'm afraid it's all going to blow up in my face again but other than that, I'm alright.
Played hooky today and went to see Casino Royale with James, Bryan Adams and Pey. Very good movie. Highly recommended. Daniel Craig is gorgeous. He has the thighs of a god. The stunts are frickin' awesome. The one-liners are brilliant. That movie is so good, I'd buy it.
"Bahadur, jabh maine tujhe kaha tha ke kamre se bahar mat nikalna, to tu zabzi mandi kyon gaya tha?!"
I like walking briskly in the windy wind with my skirt lapping at my calves. I like egg rolls immensely. I don't like the spaghetti in my head. I like coming home to a clean room and feeling glad about being single so no one can ruin the serene calmness of my space. I like it when the girls take the trash out so I don't have to walk back down two flights of stairs and back up again. I like my crisp sheets and the smell of incense filling up my sleepy nostrils. I like how you keep coming back to my blog. First thing in the morning, twice again during the day and then when you're home from work. And then you come back again later in the evening. But you don't spend much time on it. Almost as if you're disappointed at the content. Not good enough you're saying to yourself. Random news articles again. Some mundane shit. But nothing I can really sink my teeth into. Oh yes, I can hear you. Your clicks say a lot to me. I can read clicks, I can. If I could expostulate (if expostulate is the word I want) this talent into reading tea leaves perhaps I could make five bucks from every passerby who wants her fortune read. No wait. I don't have any purple skirts or silver jewellery. I do like making my own jewellery. I like lying here in bed anticipating sleep. Stretching my legs out and owning the double feng shueiness of my mattress. I like the excitement of loading my Gmail looking for email from you. I don't like being disappointed when I find there is none. Sometimes I wonder about you. I don't like looking in the mirror and finding out that somehow age and all those bad food choices have caught up with me. I try not to look in the mirror. It's not a pretty sight. There's a strange non-pimple bump on my cleavage. Or is that in my cleavage? It won't go away. Mars the landscape so to speak. I like my white wispy curtains. I should watch Munich and return it to the good folks at Netflix so they can pass it on to some other deserving poor. I like my wind chimes hanging by my bed. Sometimes when I wake up in the middle of the night to go pee I tinkle them before I go back to sleep. I like how when I get home and let my hair down it curls softly at my neck. I like combing them through. I don't like lying in bed waiting for sleep. Tossing and turning and not finding it. I don't like the loneliness that inevitably accompanies insomnia. I don't like getting out of bed at 3 am to read a case that I don't understand because my mind is tired but my body won't cooperate. Or sometimes it's the other way around.
Lubars popped down to his alma today to speak at Conversations with Comm. The room was packed with Comm. undergrads (mostly girls), all blonde, pig-tailed and Ugg-booted toting Macs and looking seriously creative. It was fun. I love it when creative types give presentations. The slides are much more interesting. I think I'm going to adopt that format for my next presentation. Cream background with black typewriter type, one sentence a slide. Lubars actually plugged Phil Dusenberry's book 'Then we set his hair on fire' (which I highly recommend, btw). very enjoyable.
