Spoons, knives, forks, plates and wrappers

My mother, bless her, collects plasticware. Not as a hobby you understand. As a necessity I think. I think she thinks that one day we'll wake up and there won't be any silverware and plates left and that all our leftovers will oxidize themselves silly because the world will have stopped making cling wrap. Or maybe this is her way of caring for the environment. I really couldn't tell you.

There's a drawer in the kitchen reserved just for plasticware. There are two BAGS of plasticware in the cupboards above the door. She won't use them. She won't let anyone use them. If you use them, she'll wash them and put them away. Like they're precious. I think she's saving them to use at my sister's wedding. That's right, Googs. When you get married, expect a big showy wedding with the guests eating out of high-quality carefully preserved antique plasticware.

So when she's not looking I use them. Then I throw them away. Recklessly. That's right, I'm bold. I don't think about wot will happen if we run out of plasticware. Oh no, not me. Throw caution to the wind, I say! Carpe Diem my boy, carpe diem. In fact, if I feel like a second cup of coffee, I discard the spoon used to stir the first cup and use another. I use a knife to cut sammiches in half even though I really don't care wot size they are just so I could use another piece of high-tech plastic equipment. That's how daring I can be. Don't mess with me, bubba.

I've just had a sammich (chicken pepper salami with cream cheese) and I'm going to throw caution to the winds and toss the plastic plate into the bin. Just you watch me, I'm going places I am.

Better hide it underneath some other garbage or she'll see it.

Which is it?

Do I have Molysmophobia, Misophobia, Rhypophobia, Xerophobia or Amathophobia?

Somewhere Sean Paul is getting busy with it

Nooches says:
how's ocd - washing hands and such
Wolfe says:
just blogging about it
Nooches says:
i'm in your head......
Wolfe says:
yes you are.. don't get lost
Nooches says:
i'm afraid
Wolfe says:
move towards the light.. there'll be two.. those are my eyes.. use the right one.. it's unscratched..
Nooches says:
they always say it's not good to "go towards the light" unless you have your life in order
Wolfe says:
i thot you were lost in my head
Nooches says:
yes, but i'm also afraid of where that will lead me

Ya zister, no zister

Liz Ryan suggests that business is not mortal combat. There goes my leadership style.

You'll be happy to know that I no longer have to carry around wet wipes to clean my hands every 30 mins. I now carry a small bottle of liquid soap and another small bottle of lotion. My OCD has progressed to such an extent that today alone, I washed my hands 19 times. In the morning. Between 6 and 11 am.

I can't help it. It's getting worse and I know it's just in my head but I can't help it. I'm not afraid of germs or anything. It's just that dusty dry feeling I get on my fingers that bugs the hell outta me. I used to wet wipe and now I soap and scrub. Everywhere I go, first thing I do is scrub. I've got a wireless mouse for my laptop because I can't stand using the mouse pad for more than a few minutes. When we go grocery shopping, I refuse to touch anything. I opened the car door with my sleeve the other day. HELP ME DAMMIT! I can't go through life like this! Eventually, I'm going to have to push my own shopping cart and I may not be wearing long sleeves all the time. Do I get gloves? Is that the answer? Will my fingers be dusty inside gloves too? Aaaaaarrrrrgh.

Say hello to wireless cable

So Etisalat finally got its act together and sent over man with router and the power to provide broadband (otherwise known as porn at the speed of light). So this chap plonks down Linksys, plugs it in, installs the drivers and makes to shove off. So I ask, "wot about the wireless part, O bearded man in perfectly ironed thobe?" He hums, he haws, he fiddles, he twiddles. Then he says he doesn’t know and will send someone else to tackle that problem. I say, all I need is an encryption key. He runs out the door. Two hours later he returns with heavyset Somalian-types (yes, I know, I had to look twice) who hems and haws and suggests I take my laptop to the computer shop to get it fixed. I say to him, "You are a moron. All I need is a WEP key. Show me where to generate this WEP key." He bolts. I sigh. Unpack the gateway manual. Generate a WEP key. Key it in. Instant Internet.

So then I call Etisalat’s customer service to complain, right? And I am told, in no uncertain terms, that Etisalat’s technicians are not responsible for setting up the router. And to think I paid AED 200 for installation. Should’ve just bought a router from Bur Dubai and done it myself. Losers.

Now any Joe can podcast their disgusting taste in music. Power to the people. Oh, the horror. Country music is going to take over the world, I know it. We'll be honky-tonkin' till the cows come home.

Apparently, bloggers are not journalists. Who'd've thunk?

Einstein’s b’day is on April 18th. They’re doing this funky light relay thing. Read about it.

Watching a really old Shatrughan Sinha and Dharmendra movie and discussing potential India trip. Shall keep you updated. Now currently mesmerized by how much Shatru looks like Dad 30 years ago *giggle*.

Boss, I think it's infected

You know you’re afraid of commitment when the thought of spending a lifetime with one person fills you with a nameless fear.

You know you’re a true cynic when you can’t come up with enough pros of spending a lifetime with one person. The cons always seem to be one step ahead.

I’m going to die alone in a smelly old bathrobe with a lot of cats surrounded by empty Limca bottles. I just know it.

Two more tapes to go. Ruby is feeding Tarzan bananas.

Shaka bhoomi tabela

Watching this really bad 80s Hindi Tarzan movie (Adventures of Tarzan) with THE WORST songs! They’re so bad, they’re mesmerizing. I can’t help but watch. My eyes! My ears! Oh, the horror!

Dad has managed to sleep through an entire rescue scene where Kimi Katkar is clinging onto a rock in these rapids that will wash her off giant waterfall-types. Love the old Hindi movie editing. You see the actress (who, btw, is named Ruby) screaming her head off wearing something skimpy (and obs. wet). You see a shot of the waterfall in all its white-water rapidness. You see actor leaping from tree to tree rushing to the rescue. Back to waterfall. Cut to screaming actress. Then, suddenly, the screaming has stopped and woman is in Tarzan’s arms on a rock safely above the river. Cue sappy violin music and it’s love at first manhandle.

Of course, they’re trekking through the forests and she’s wearing a wispy white dress barefoot and dipping about in ponds and things. You would think that near-death experience with rapids would turn this chick off water.

Ruby’s been bitten by a snake (serves you right, you stupid gnat). You know wot that means. Yep, Tarzan is going to suck the poison out.

Oh wait, just figured out why her dress is so wispy. It’s so that it won’t balloon up when she’s wading through alligator-infested waters. Natch.

I tell you, you haven’t lived if you haven’t seen bad old Hindi movies.

My, wot large ears you have

Marcel just called to say he’s coming to Dubai. Pity I can’t have him over but I don’t think having house guests is going to help Dad any.

Feel bad for Pops. Don’t know wot to do.

Googs isn’t so stubborn and pig-headed. Does that mean that I am? Aren’t those inherited traits?

Trigger happy

Started transferring camcorder tapes onto laptop to edit and create movie of mum and dad’s cruise vacation. Seems to be working quite nicely so far. Only done 2 tapes yet – working on the 3rd of 8. Did take some snapshots with the cam last night which turned out alright (given that they were taken in the dark with no flash). The image editing software that comes with this cam (JVC) is very rudimentary but a quick zip-thru with Photoshop makes everything alright.

Went to give blud earlier today for the health card. Was very amused by the throngs milling about outside Sh. Maktoum Hospital mumbling very shadily, "Madam, typing, madam?". Went to Karama after left dad in the hosp. I had forgotten about the soliciting shopkeepers. The merchandise doesn’t seem to have changed much since five years ago.

Sick

Sick. Ill. Unwell. Ailing. Laid up. Below par. Under the weather. Not a hundred percent. Poorly.
Sick.

:(

My daddy is not well.

In proximity

My mother has just commanded Dravid to hit a century. Adorable how she sits there in front of the tele yelling at the cricketers. Don’t think India’s going to win though.

Had a meeting today at the Emirates Towers. Very impressive buildings. I'm waiting for the damn Etisalat people to get their act together and deliver me my cable so I can post pictures from my laptop. Too much work installing Hello on here.

Alrighty then, here's your cool news for the day -

Pong invented the Internet not Al Gore. It all began when Steve Russell invented Spacewar which was built at MIT in 1962. Nolan Bushnell became a fan and co-founded Atari in 1972 and let Steve Jobs and Steve Wozniak develop Breakout. In summary, former Atari programmers spun off Activision, which merged with Infocom, which was founded by hackers at MIT, which produced consultants Bolt, Beranek and Newman who were contracted to build the Arpanet. Phew! Don’t believe me? Take a look.

When in doubt, call 311 (which, coincidently, happens to be my flat number. Yes, another random piece of information. Deal with it). Impacting the world as only technology can. Brilliant.

There’s something very undeniably cool about giant aquariums. The new DomAquaree Radisson houses the world’s deepest aquarium – the Aquadom (which, btw, would make a really cool name for a game). It’s an 8-storey tank with 50 species of fish. You can take an elevator ride (lasts 7 minutes) through the aquarium. Designed by International Concept Management (of the Las Vegas Mandalay Bay shark tanks fame) who plans to build an even deeper aquarium in Moscow this year.

The robots are coming! The robots are coming! UCLA bioengineers are making machines that grow living muscles on their silicon skeletons (this silicon stuff is everywhere). The robots walk about 2” per hour when immersed in a sugar-water solution. The next step is to add piezoelectric materials to turn electricity into movement and vice versa. Runs as long as the sugar runs out. So I suppose that means that sugar is the future oil. White gold. Wait, isn’t that cocaine? Or not. I’m not exactly up on my drug lingo. You know, along with making robots that now move, they could generate meat for consumption. Not to mention extra human limbs. If I last out long enough, maybe I’ll be able to get me a new pair of feet. Oo, now that would be exciting.

Ok, forget everything I said I’d like to have and put this high up on your ‘things to get Wolfie' list. A waterproof MP3 player. Beats having to listen to the voices in your head. Oregon’s MP120 with 128Mb of flash memory for nearly four hours of swimmingly wonderful tunes. Saw it at RadioShack the other day. Had to bribe the security chap to physically drag me away from it.

The whole Shiavo deal makes me want to puke. That's all I'll say on the subject.

Music for today – the Rock the Casbah album, some Seb Fontaine and some Claude Challe.

Random televisionness

Have you seen the Bombay Rockers – Rock the Party video? It’s hilarious. Mirza sharabi (albeit one from Denmark) in a skull cap and white boy cruisin’ the streets in an oldsmobile and getting their asses kicked by a bunch of really bad dancers in animal suits. Very funny.

I’m hooked on Channel [V] India. Ever wonder wot hppnd to all those horrible Anu Malik Hindi movie songs? They’re being aired on Channel [V]. Oh god, Helen is doing the shoulder shimmy.

Tagline for jaljeera - “Desi drink, desi asar”.

Remember when Akshay Kumar *snigger* was the biggest thing to happen to Bollywood? Came from Thailand or Malaysia or some place. Tabloids full of speculations on his sex life. I should have saved the papers. Would’ve made for some funny reading.

Why is it always raining in Limca ads?

Is it me or is Sanjay Dutt getting creepier by the decade? I have yet to see a movie where he’s not randomly brandishing a switchblade.

So the latest thing apparently is to have gori women in desi music videos. You know, shaking their groove thang. Like desi women aren’t slutty enough.

Storm, look up the Switch (Will Smith – Lost and Found) video. :)

Heppy Holi

Watched Chameli today. Very strange movie. Rahul Bose looks surprisingly familiar. Where have I seen him before? Kareena Kapoor smokes like a pro.

Saw an ad for the Help concert for tsunami aid with Amitabh Bachchan and Abhishek Bachchan eyeing some slinky chick. The creepy thing is that they’re both eyeing the same chick. Although have to admit, Little B is starting to look very good. Yes, even with his sleazy looks.

Now realize that have crossed the line into becoming a proper AB groupie. Want to mutilate self at the very thought.

Can I just say – I hate the name Milee (and derivatives thereof).

Rant of the day

If, o ye messenger driver of sad Suzuki motorbikes, the roads and traffic department has decreed that a street should have 3 lanes they must have done so for a reason. The roads and traffic departments of most governments usually do things like urban planning after giving it much thought. They may not be the most far-sighted people we know, but let’s give them credit where it’s due. So. If the road you are traveling on happens to be a three-lane road and it happens to curve onto another three-lane road then why in God’s name do you not want to respect the bloody three-laneness of these roads?! The white paint on the asphalt has a meaning, you retarded frog! Animals have a better sense of road etiquette than you do! Begone, bastard! The next motorbikist I see who wants to play funny with me is going to get an earful of my most excellent horn. And if you catch me in a really good mood, I just might swerve madly, make you lose your balance and cause you to bash headlong into something very hard. That’s it. Screw media. I’m going to be a traffic officer. Nothing would give me more pleasure than to nail these useless specimens of society. And no fines either, mind you. It’s 30 days in the chokey for you without the option.

Have to meet with some stupid committee at the club before I can get membership. Oh, and get this, the pool is closed from 10 am to 3:30 pm. When exactly then am I supposed to do my laps, you morons? Peak hours after 4 when the entire world will bring their rat-faced brats to the pool to splash around in my path?

I did get a very nice new pair of training goggles with UV protection, anti-scratch lenses, self-adjusting nose bridge, power rockets above the ears and built-in phazers. Look out, Monty beta, here comes Wolfie.

Back to work.

Artist for today – Gaudi

Tech Troubles

I’m in love with a Filipino man named Joseph who works at RadioShack. He knows a lot about pins and plugs. Now if I could only get the damn Etisalat guys to get back to me about my cable installation, I’d be much happier.

Eat that, Inzy! Go Bhajji go Bhajji go!

I've got my bag back bag back bag back *being sung to the Applebee's Baby Back Ribs commercial tune to the utter irritation of self's father who is trying to watch the kirket*.

Also have embarked on strange and obscure journey which involves drinking Tahitian Noni juice all day. Reason being that there aren't any decent juices in the house. Yes, I could go get some, but that's too much work. Besides, when was the last time Tahitian Noni juice was brought up in conversation. "Accha toh yeh aapki vaife hain? Kaafi sehat bana rakhi hai. Tahitian Noni juice pilate ho kya?!" (Your vife? Very healthy. She drink Noni juice?!)

Damn. Have to clean out entire closet before can find space to put items that will unpack from lost-and-now-found bag. Will do so keeping one eye on the Indi-Pak Test match. Last time I checked we were 256/3 post-lunch. Yesterday's was stupendous. "Harbhajan Singh kya balling karta hai!" (Harbhajan Singh, very good baller) as my mom says.

Soundtrack for cleaning and unpacking afternoon - Hum FM. They play lousy crap on this station.

Where the hell is my luggage?!

The cleaning out of cupboards has begun. Lord, grant me strength.

Things could be a lot worse

You win. I can't sleep.

Things could be a lot worse. I could be in Iraq. Or Iran for that matter. I could be in a city that's being bombed. I could lose a limb. I could be poor. I could be drowning. I could be working a night shift. I could be a security guard. I could be homeless. I could be limited. I could be content.

But it's only insomnia.

Listening to Pink Floyd (doesn't everybody listen to Pink Floyd when they can't sleep?) and Pyar Mere from Dobara.

"The Evolution Will Be Mechanized"

Another brilliant analysis -
"Science fiction writer Vernor Vinge popularized the term singularity in the early '90s. For about a decade, it threw a wrench in the gears of science fiction as an intellectual effort. It's hard to fantasize about tomorrow when you're firmly convinced that tomorrow is inherently unfantasizable. However, sneaky sci-fi authors have been able to finesse the problem. After all, the genre doesn't exist to forecast the future; it's entertainment that depends on making the impossible seem plausible. A singularity turns out to be a great way to do that. It may be unthinkable and indescribable - but the wreckage it leaves isn't. After a singularity blows through, the world might as well be Oz, complete with talking scarecrows and tin men.

Movie fans can see this imaginary wall across the future in flicks like Terminator and The Matrix, where a dystopian technological event allows smart machines to take over. The superintelligent gizmos turn out to be fairly standard serial-killer bogeymen - although they wear cool gear, perform feats of biblical wonder, and become governer of California." - Bruce Sterling

"The Human Body, Patented"

A brilliant thought - posted on the US Patent and Trademark Office website:
"The human body is used as a conductive medium, e.g., a bus, over which power and/or data is distributed. Power is distributed by coupling a power source to the human body via a first set of electrodes. One or more devise [sic] to be powered, e.g., peripheral devices, are also coupled to the body via additional sets of electrodes. The devices may be, e.g., a speaker, display, watch, keyboard, etc. A pulsed DC signal or AC signal may be used as the power source." - L. Williams, W. Vablais and S.N. Bathiche, Technologists, Microsoft.

Glad to be a geek

"iQue. A car navigation system cleverly disguised as a PDA."

"You think your 40-gig iPod rocks?" You ain't met the StorCloud yet.

Oh, and it's 3274km (1768 mi) from Istanbul to Dubai. And the time is GMT+4. Which is US CST+9 without daylight savings. Because we don't use daylight savings. Because it's always sunny in Dubai *smirk*.

This one is for you, Storm. Think you can build a machine that'll pass for human? There's a prize for that. Also check out the Turing Test page.

New York's got the right idea with this yellow arrow guide. But for a methodical geek like me data accuracy is a big question.

Now this is my kinda art. Visual expressions of mathematical functions. Doesn't get any prettier than this. Make your own and if it's pretty, send it to me at steppenwolfe@gmail.com Maybe I'll create a page for them. P.S. the yellow one on the website is a whole lot prettier in print.

Dial-up doesn't seem too slow at past 2 am. I'm sleepless again. The internet is my salvation.

Spy Robot. The doughnut recon mission. I so wish I had one of these while I was at Spin *mad giggle*.

Now this is wot the US should start thinking about. Parents don't get too attached to that leash with which you drag your 2-yr old. The Wi-Fi/RFID revolution has begun. Bloody brillant.

GE's Evolution Series locomotive. Imagination truly at work.

Yes, I know some of these are old news. But I'll bet you didn't know about it.

I'll say a little prayer for you

Yes! She's updated her blog! You have no idea how relieved I am.

Garlic gumbalic gumbalic gumbaya

Hello hello! Stop cribbing about not updating the blog. I'm in Dubai. You are all now inconsequential worms.

So here's an update. Note the changed time and location. It was 80F today.

Turk Hava Yollari is a pretty decent airlines 'cept that you don't get ANY elbow room. Which isn't so much of a problem on the Chicago-Istanbul leg because there are nice Turkish women and families and people who shower. However, only smelly people travel to Dubai from Turkey. And they always end up sitting next to me. Oh, and THY lost one bag. Which means I have no shoes bar the ones I wore in and absolutely no office wear. Which means - SHOPPING! :)

Got my driver's license, a cellphone and registered for cable (dial-up is very painful - especially when Etisalat keeps blocking harmless jpegs). Shall start reorganizing the house tomorrow.

Which brings me to a question - how did we manage without paper towels in the kitchen all those years?

People drive like demented monkeys in Dubai. There seems to have been a population explosion and at least 10% of them are hanging around on the streets aimlessly. There is also incessant traffic. Mostly on the road right by our building at 3 am. Used to be a point where people would go home in the afternoons but now they're too busy jamming up the roadways. And remember how going to the airport always seemed like a long drive? And the clock tower was the highlight of Deira? No so anymore. We've got a kick-ass skyline. I shall post pictures just as soon as the cable is hooked up. No way I'm going through all that for your amusement on dial-up.

Mum's got a decent set-up. Flat screen monitor. Speakers that make you orgasm on blip. Plasma tele the size of most pianos. It's getting so I don't even mind the pink walls.

And this is my favourite part about being in Dubai - radio stations that play very awesome music!

More later. Time for a midnight snack. Meanwhile, read some mad messaging.

Nooches says:
aha! the eagle has landed!!
Wolfe says:
the bag has been lost
Nooches says:
oh no!
Wolfe says:
i tell you ... been around the world three times.. haven't lost a single thing.. and now, when i need it most.. one entire bag

Wolfe says:
i was eating syrian pickles earlier and thinking of you
Nooches says:
why?
Wolfe says:
cuz pickled veggies made me think of pickled cabbage which made me think of your pickled cabbage story
Nooches says:
ahh, i thought perhaps i reminded you of a pickled veggie
Wolfe says:
no.. you're not wrinkled enough

Wolfe says:
i had forgotten how convenient ladies' sections are..at etisalat and police station and things
Storm says:
so screw equal opportunity?
Wolfe says:
hey..nobody likes to wait with smelly pathans

Storm says:
hota hai.. chalta hai... duniya hai *takes glasses off and blows on lenses* ha ha *cue evil music*
Wolfe says:
*aims pressurised air container at your glasses*
Storm says:
eeek... not WHILE I'm wearing them!
Wolfe says:
sorry

Wolfe says:
why won't my pictures show in blog?
Storm says:
you must be being whacked by etisalat.. if you want to change proxy servers I have a page.
Wolfe says:
wot sort of girl do you take me for? you'll have to buy me dinner first
Storm says:
the kind that hates being stuck behind restrictive web proxies that whack simple jpgs
Wolfe says:
give me your page.. *sneaky attitude*
Storm says:
{URL} it's a bloody smorgasbord
Wolfe says:
and mamma's hungry

Oh yes, I do have lots of good geeky techy links for you. But that's another post.

That was a very suspiciously salty beef shawarma types sammich

Saat - 6:40 pm
Location - Gate Cafe
Condition - Bench-sore and very sleepy from not having slept the entire flight here because of stupid kids who took turns crying and kicking my seat

Heard playing in a Turkish airport - Raghav's Stolen.

Trying to nap but bloody uncomforable benches have no headrest so neck keeps rolling about in frightening manner. Did manage two little sleeps while trying to read magazine. Little boy going "nee nee nee nee" around me at full speed. The good thing about being sleepy in Turkey is that you get awesome Turkish coffee here.

Is it too early to go through security for an 8:10 flight?

Here I am!

Here I am!

Travel Chronicles – Part 1

Tarih (Date) – 21 March
Saat (Time) – 2:10 pm
Istanbul Ataturk Airport, Transit Lounge in front of the Turk Hava Yollari security gates.

The line at O’Hare was shorter than I remembered it. Stood in it from 2:45 pm to 4 pm. Bags didn’t even get screened. Odd. Had an interesting conversation with the airport security chaps about x-ray screeners and gold-plated earrings. Don’t ask. It’s nice to see pleasant airport personnel. On domestic flights you always seem to get rubbish people.

Sat next to Anyoz (or was it Ruby?) with a busted nose. She had a Samsung mp3 player (which was vastly superior to mine) and we swapped. She had interesting Turkish pop but I didn’t care for it much. She did seem to like A.R. Rehman’s Only You on my iRiver. Slept through After the Sunset, which was a pity because I wanted to see it. Have only just arrived at Istanbul Ataturk Airport. The NEW Istanbul airport. Which, if you’ve been to the old one, you’ll understand why I had to make that distinction. It hasn’t changed much in 5 years. Only now there are Wi-Fi hotspots and more benches. Strangely warm though. I shall not wander through the long duty-free line because it isn’t anything I haven’t already seen. But the Bvlgari store looks like it has new stuff.

A bottle of water doesn’t cost $3.50 anymore.

I really wish I had a digital camera for this trip. There was this man with his son standing in the check-in line in front of me at Chicago’s O’Hare and he looked like Kemal. Plus about 30 years. You’re going to age well, TD. Anyway, his son was wearing a business suit complete with tie and shiny shoes. All of 8 years old and talking on a cell phone. It was absolutely adorable. I wanted to take a picture and post it with the caption “Starting young”.

I’d forgotten how good-looking the Europeans can be.

Total flying time – 10 hrs 30 mins. Meals had – 2. Cups of coffee – 8. Wet hand wipes used – 13. Number of times wanted to use wet hand wipes but managed to control the urge – 29 (yes, I counted. It was a long flight.). Wired mags read – 0.5. Longitudes crossed – 6. Miles (km) traveled – 4970 (9204). Made conversation with strange Turkish people – 3. Made conversation with normal Turkish people – none.

The earth is indeed very round. A fact that was forcefully obvious to me as we were flying over the east coast (the U.S. and Canadian east coast) and the sun set spectacularly. And then it rose again somewhere over the North Atlantic. The snow-covered peaks of the mountains over Austria raised just a smidgen above the clouds and it was bloody beautiful. I did reach a stupor point in the plane where I stared at the ice crystals forming on the edges of my window and watched them melt but that only lasted about an hour.

There are large multimedia digiboards advertising Turkey and airport information and I just saw an ad for Joey on wot looks like an CNBC channel. I’m sitting next to these large containers for charity for the Turkish Blind Foundations (“Please help light the way with your donations.”) and they’re mighty full. Good place to solicit donations, the airport. People always have loose change at the airport.

Ooh look! Versace! More later.

After note: The chap making the announcements has an incredibly nice voice.

Post notes: Some elderly Turkish woman with a nice smile just walked up to me and said something that sounded like “your blouse is as red as the flowers in my mother’s garden, do you play the banjo?” but I could be mistaken.

There is an obviously European woman carrying a sitar case and a very desi touristy pouch-bag browsing through the Sweet Dreams tax free chocolate shoppe.

Hey, look! A chocolate shoppe!

An airport security chap just whizzed by on the cutest little scooter! A blonde just walked by wearing yeti shoes. There is a Pakistani chap on the other end of the airport talking to his relatives on his cellphone. The reason I know this is because his voice is resonating through the area. A woman in a peach sweater just stood in front of me and muttered something about ‘that shop over there is not on fire’. I really need to brush up on my Turkish. Oo, unshaven, long-haired, gypsy man with flute and clarinet case approacheth. Sorry, this seat is taken. Very good-looking man in business suit giving me the eye from his vantage point leaning against a pillar over there. European woman with sitar is French (or at least speaks it) and just walked by with the rest of her troupe (including hippie-man) wearing a dirty brown kurta.

Oh wait, I know why everyone’s looking at me strange. They’re trying to figure out why I don’t have any hair. Did I mention that all Turkish women have hair down to their damn ankles? Feminine bastards.

Just seen the entire Buddha Bar collection in music store. Had to execute immense mind control to get self out of there. Strange Pakistani man in bright pink shirt following me around like pre-civilization Cro-Magnon man. Must find another hot spot.

Have found another hot spot in between icecream shop (which may see my business later) and funky music store playing wot sounds suspiciously like Natacha Atlas. I should get that album.

Wot? No vodka?!

Chicago never changes. For a city that's so vibrant and lively, it's surprisingly constant. I think that's wot I love about it.

Absolutely terrible tag lines

Found these too:

Cleaning websites for a living
How clean is your website?
Nothing to do with soap. Everything to do with clean.
Soap?!
Does your website stink?
Let's keep it clean
It pays to be clean

And pages of night parking permits for Knapp Street for a 1997 Mazda Protege. Now I think I'm going to cry.

The closest I came to a diary

So as I was packing away things to keep in storage for the 5 months I'll be gone I found my old planner. Here are some choice entries -

Jan 16 - 18: Granite Peak. Interesting developments :)
Feb 31: Temple + lecture and bhajans with Kutty
Feb 2: Sting!
Feb 26: Walsh :) (I have no idea wot this entry means)
Feb 29: Oscar party at Mount Santosh
April 8: Last day at Spin. When it's over, it's over. Must get very very drunk.
May 7: Shaft on UPN @ 7 pm
June 19: 26th B'day!! Must leave town. Chicago train times - 3pm, 7pm
July 2 - 5: GOOGS! CHICAGO! YIPPEE!
Aug 2: Move to AR

And that's it. Not one entry after Aug 2. Nary a one. Empty. Blank. Finished.

Get out get out get out of my head

More dreams. P.Diddy and an old green Volksvagen. Abhishek Bachchan. Yes, again. On the beach. Trying to light a bonfire. Lots of people milling about. Barbeque smells. Salty air. Loud ocean. Breezy night. Nested in a quiet corner wrapped up in a blue and green blanket with something alcoholic - me. Which suddenly caught fire. Little B trying to set me ablaze. Woke up feeling hungry.

Why is A.B. Jr. trying to kill me?! Have I crossed into that realm of conciousness where I believe that celebrities are out to get me?! Have I finally lost it?!

I don't know anybody in Costa Rica

Someone from Germany has landed upon my blog after searching for "dubai sex scene 2005 paki indian". This is highly disturbing. Are there any Indo-Pak sex mentions in my blog?! I don't think I've written about that sort of peace process.

Oh dear, just realized that now since have posted words "dubai sex scene 2005 paki indian" that am bound to come up when phrase searched. Now wot?!

Captain Hula says hello

The move from Milwaukee was a good thing. This is one of the reasons why - I have eliminated all of my junk possessions. Hence, it took me all of 30 minutes to be done with packing for my move to Dubai. Then I spent about 6 hours obsessing and repacking and rearranging and I've finally packed one bag and locked it and I'm not going to obsess about it anymore.

Maybe I can squeeze in one more pair of shoes.

I just have to get this out of my system

Kaizer Soze. KAIZER SOZE! KAIZER SOZE!!!

Thank you.

I'm leaving.. on a jet plane..

Come Friday and I shall be in Chicago. To spend a very short weekend with Vij and B. Should be fun, as always. Can't wait to sit on their bed, losing my glucose biscuits in the chai and talking about myself. I owe B big karma points. I never give her any notice before I land up on her doorstep asking to be put up. Good thing she likes me.

Here's a conversation snippet:

Wolfe says:
i have sudden sadness... and lots of shoes
P says:
then you are definitely a woman.. it is proved
Wolfe says:
i guess it must be true
P says:
*shrug* oh well
Wolfe says:
you sound disappointed
P says:
thats life
P says:
I can't fight rotten genetics
Wolfe says:
i still have balls.. if that makes you feel better
P says:
no.. not really.. creeps me out to be honest.
Wolfe says:
lol

It's nice to have friends. I'm going to need a whole new set of friends in Dubai. So send me your email addresses and your phone numbers. It's been 5 years since I've been back. Think there'll be culture-shock?

Back to packing. I really do have a lot of shoes. Take them all, Manna says. You can throw them at the mallus. *giggle*

Sin City

Holy Mother of God. Check out the line-up for this movie. Check out the trailers for Sin City.

Pictures

Daffodil Hill in the gardens


Rose tree in the gardens


View from our balcony

"I want the truth! You can't handle the truth!'

So did you know that there was a tourism fair in Berlin this weekend? And they had coupons for 11% off for Macy's. I thought that was funny.

The Googster and I went to Hot Springs yesterday. Lovely drive. Beautiful day. 84 degrees and sunny. Spent 2 hours at the Garvan Woodland Gardens. Sat on benches surrounded by trees and flowers and had Silsila moments. Ate icecream in the gift shop. Apparently I obsessively browse gift shops all over the place. If I'm ever lost and there's a gift shop in the vicinity, I'll be there. It's like a beacon to me. Shall post pictures of the gardens as and when can be bothered to get them washed. Yes, we still use film in our camera.

Marcel and I are going to start an international multicultural travel agency. And since I'm a minority in every country, I'm sure we could get a loan. I'm not sure why we'd need a loan, but isn't that wot firms do? Get loans?

I was at Blockbuster returning Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind and getting The Usual Suspects and there was this chap who was following me around the store. Either that or he was browsing the suspense section alphabetically as well. And he was wearing that perfume that V wears. Can't remember the name. And I am not ashamed to say, I stood there pretending to check out some movie with a bleeding butterfly on the cover just so I could get a good sniff.

It's 51 degrees and cloudy today. The cherry blossoms are in bloom. Very pretty.

Eternal Sunshine is a very well made movie I must say. Good editing. Good cinematography. The plot was very very odd. But all in all, a very good movie.

Calling Baghdad

It bothers me that Baghdad Burning hasn't written since the 9th. I do hope nothing bad has happened to her and her family.

Bloody hell

I can't sleep.

Dance, White boy, dance

Fun how fun it is to find fun in other people's geekiness. This guy makes me go all squirmy in my seat.

Blithering Blisters, Batman!

Robin: Holy Hammers, Batman! Did you see that? She built a whole dresser in minutes right in front of our eyes without power tools! Isn't that amazing?!

Batman: It may seem amazing, Robin, but look closely. Those blisters will fester. She'll regret not wearing gloves, mark my words.

Robin: Can we help her, Batman?

Batman: I'm afraid not, Robin. Cold cream and lotion gloves are her only salvation now.

Robin: Perhaps you should marry her, Batman! Then she wouldn't have to do handy things around the house.

Batman: No, Robin. A wife, no matter how beauteous or affectionate, would severely impair my crime-fighting. Although, hammering is better left to the men, Wolfe. This isn't exactly women's work. But then again, you're no ordinary woman.

Useless crap for today

Jane Fonda to have hip replacement surgery. Must be all those exercise videos.

Sameera Singh's voice makes me cringe.

Am I the only one who thinks Remo Fernandes' O Meri Munni reeks of incestual child abuse? Dude, the kid's only 13!! It isn't even a good song.

Now here's a good picture. Can't post it here. You'll have to click on the link.

MSN won't let me play MSN videos on Firefox. Annoying.

Why do all Raghav songs start with an 'oo oo'?

"The rich had a very good year." The world's richest people.

Why can't we have communal pillow fights like the Israelis?

Pay your taxes.. or face the.. *sigh*.. music .. in .. India..... I can't even say it without rolling my eyes.

The Googster has just asked me find a song from the 'Come on campers, lets all sing' album.

Standard requisition desi eyes :)

I was looking at my hands earlier and it occurred to me - my hands don't match my face. My face is like that of a pre-pubescent boy. All fair and round. My hands are old. I have old hands. And old feet. Like I used to tell my mother - I have grown-up hands and feet. Somehow that's a depressing thought. That somehow bits of me are aging faster than other bits. Will they eventually catch up with each other?

New links

In case you hadn't noticed.

Why do people collect things?! Stamps, collectibles, dolls, old soup cans, old candy wrappers. These things are junk people! Crap. That's wot they are. Crap! Let it go.

Helloooooooo Shaluuuuuuu!

If you share a computer with your wife, how do you keep your porn separate?

I want to broil a chicken. I have a craving for broiled chicken. With gravy. And asparagus. Boy am I greedy.

I can't get rid of Ceres! My lovely virgin laptop is a virgin no more!

It's a lovely night. The lake is silent. The trees are looming. The ducks glide softly. A teasing bird flits from branch to branch. Perfect night for a murder.

Some people just ought to be shot

I have an immediate need for knee-breakers. That is people who break knees professionally. It would have to be a professional because amateurs just don't do a good enough job. Also, an amateur would get carried away and start bashing people around in the head. No, wot I need is a tried and tested pro. Who's permanently in a bad mood. Who won't think twice of nailing knees to the floor as an acceptable alternative. Someone who doesn't shirk from the prospect of blood and flesh flying around. Hulk Hogan comes to mind. No wait. Wot am I thinking?! We need Killer Khalsa!

Although, not to boast or anything, but I'm not so shabby meself ya'know. Just have to catch me with enough PMT.

So if you know anyone who would want the job, tell 'em to email me.

Pictures have been added

In case you hadn't noticed.

The leaves came back pretty quick

On the trees I mean. It's all lush and green once again. And I distinctly smell meat being bbqed. Maybe I'll go for a walk and score a hot dog or three.

In other news, the San Francisco trip is off because... well, because we simply didn't really want to go. I have been very productive after this morning's horrible mistake (which I will not detail here - rest assured, a horrible mistake was made this morning). I have been mailing misc things from the post office (and no, I didn't pay him $13.65 in dimes this time), got Chinese takeaway for lunch (the people at Chi's start stir-frying beef the minute they see the big blue bus), faxed documents, printed documents, filed documents, went digging for documents in the box (you know the one with all the papers in it) and cleaned out my office. Oh alright, my office is the dining table. You know wot I mean.

And I have Ceres. Very annoying. It simply won't go away. Any wise words of suggestion?

So I dreamt about that inktag you know. The one on the skirt we bought from J.C. Penny (don't shudder - yes, sometime we do wear mass-producted garments. Did it ever occur to you that individuality is over-rated? Hmm?) and the woman at checkout forgot to remove. I dreamt that I was trying to yank it off and I had Resh's voice in my head telling me not to (very surreal voice.. yes, even for a dream) and then there was ink all over the place only it wasn't regular ink. Oh no. This ink was the flesh-eating kind. And Resh was panicking because my fingers were disappearing. Then he started making this strange chirping sound. Which woke me up. Curse dem sparrows.

Children of the night rest easy. The Messiah cometh.

Ahlan Salaam Marhaba!

San Francisco next week.

No Chicago/Milwakee trip before I leave for London/Dubai. Not enough time. And besides, it's not like anything remotely exciting is going to happen.

Possibly India as well this month.

Started a Coupling marathon last night which I shall finish today. Also simply must finish the IBM book and DisneyWar.

Didn't get my Wired this month. Odd.

Desi Pot Noodles are somehow tastier than Top Ramen.

Apparently I'm an ESTP. I used to be an INTJ when I took this test at Mozee. Go figure.

"As an ESTP, you are Extraverted, Sensing, Thinking, Perceiving. This makes your primary focus on Extraverted Sensing with Introverted Thinking.

This is defined as a SP personality, which is part of Carl Jung's Artisans (Sensation Seeking) type, and more specifically the Promoters or Doers.

Because you aren't as excited about routine, your blog may be more journal-like, without as much consistantcy in time between posts. But because you like getting things done, coupled with your need for style and appreciation for the sense, you will be more likely to have a gorgeous design and set up for journalling."

Hah. Rubbish.

Anyway.

I went shopping and finally got a pair of something-resembling-BJP pants. The Googster says she likes them but deep down inside she's shuddering. I can tell.

For my friend Resh, who's having trouble with logos, here's an interesting readabout Linux and the Penguin.

Rajesh Advani on Sulekha. He writes very 'awwww' stories. Very nicely too, I might add. He may just be a perma-link.

Bill Gates gets spam. I find that very funny. Do you think he has assistants to read his email?

So Wipro implements an intra-company match-making portal for its employees. 'Cuz, you know, it's not enough that your parents, your relatives, your neighbors, and everybody else you know is trying to set you up in an arranged marriage, now your employer has to leap in as well. So wot, do they have a whole department for this? Wot happens when things don't work out? Can't you just imagine Pushpa from Accounting going on a date with Anil from QA and when Anil bores the crap outta the evening by droning on and on about how "I really vaant to be in development and this is just a stepping stone for me and my mother wants to know if you can make sambar" and Pushpa shocks the living daylights outta Anil because she orders a steak and martini for herself. Then they have to go back to the same office. Oo. They should make this into a reality show!

Dinner time.

'Things my girlfriend and I have argued about'

Hugely funny. It's things like these that make me wish I wasn't single. Ah, to have someone to argue with. :(

I do remember yelling at V about something once and he did say quite clearly, "please put that fork down".

Oh damn. :(

Damn you FICA, hah!

I love tax returns. Takes the sting out of seeing FICA take all my money (and brazenly report it on my paystub). I feel like I've thwarted the government. I tell you, tax returns are a lovely way to feed the inner revolutionist in all of us. The IRS has a brilliant plan - take enough of your money right when you earn it to keep you in check and then give some of it back to you once a year, just when you're considering letter bombs and murder by hanging. BRILLIANT!

Does your Netflix list need updating?

Meshach Silas has left us. The desi funk music world has suffered a great loss. You should have seen this man on stage. He defined the terms 'electric performance'. If you're in the Chicago area, do go to the memorial for me.

Bill Gates is a Knight. Rescuing the world from menial oesses. Brandishing his stylus as he zooms gallantly into the foray battling the dragons of 'Nix.

The Russians are coming! The Russians are coming! What ees dat you say? The Russians are coming?

Ah, capitalism. This is why I love this country. As painful as it may be, capitalism is the only way to go.

Good article on the trials and tribulations of the Olympic evaluation team.

February's Job Report as per BusinessWeek. Encouraging.

Martha, Martha, why won't you just go away?! Psychic goodwill my arse. It's pure capitalism. And yes, I know I'm for it but I just can't stand Martha Stewart. She makes me want to cringe. And it bugs me that the Son of Sam law can be gotten around.

Time for lunch.

Music for this morning - Funkadesi, Afro-Celt Soundsystem - if you ever saw these two bands live you'd understand my obsession with music.

Sadly, there are no stores in AR.

J. Jill has a lovely website! You can chat live with a 'Concierge' and the webpage splits into frames and if the information you need is on the website, one frame will load that page. Now isn't that just brilliant?

Can't buy me love.

Country roads, take me home. To the place, where I belong.

Yes, a blog is yet another reason to shove spam chain letter crap down the throats of the unsuspecting public.

Great Lines From Job Evaluations!
1. I would not allow this employee to breed.
2. This associate is really not so much of a has-been, but more
definitely a won't be.
3. Works well when under constant supervision and cornered like a rat
in a trap.
4. When she opens her mouth, it seems it is only to change whichever
foot was previously there.
5. He would be out of his depth in a parking lot puddle.
6. This young lady has delusions of adequacy.
7. He sets low personal standards and then consistently fails to
achieve them.
8. This employee is depriving a village somewhere of an idiot.
9. This employee should go far and the sooner he starts, the better.
10. Not the sharpest knife in the drawer.
11. Got into the gene pool when the lifeguard wasn't watching.
12. A room temperature IQ.
13. Got a full 6-pack, but lacks the plastic thingy to hold it
together.
14. A gross ignoramus - 144 times worse than an ordinary ignoramus.
15. A photographic memory but with the lens cover glued on.
16. A prime candidate for natural deselection.
17. Bright as Alaska in December.
18. One-celled organisms outscore him in IQ tests.
19. Donated his brain to science before he was done using it.
20. Fell out of the family tree.
21. Gates are down, lights are flashing, but the train isn't coming.
22. Has two brains: one is lost; the other is out looking for it.
23. He's so dense, light bends around him.
24. If brains were taxed, she'd get a refund.
25. If he were any more stupid, he'd have to be watered twice a
week.
26. If you give him a penny for his thoughts, you'll get change.
27. If you stand close enough to him, you can hear the ocean.
28. It's hard to believe he beat out 1,000,000 other sperm.
29. One neuron short of a synapse.
30. Some drink from the fountain of knowledge, he only gargled.
31. Takes him an hour and a half to watch 60 Minutes.
32. Wheel is turning, but the hamster is dead.
33. Since my last report, this employee has reached rock bottom and
has started to dig.
34. His men would follow him anywhere, but only out of morbid
curiosity

Now you know why

Hey hey! Bad Indian Girls of the world unite! I like it!

Bloody hell!

I had a very nice long post and then IE crashed on me. WHY WHY WHY DO I STILL USE THIS BROWSER?!?!?!?!

It was about cars and bras and penis envy and silicon bakeware. It had drama. It had comedy. There was suspense. It was a very good post. Grr.

Aao aao Motwani Saheb. Tashreef rakho.

Why is it that whenever the heroine finds out that her love for Anil Kapoor-type people is unrequited, she starts dancing madly? Wot is it about 'fury dances' that makes them so popular? And they're not even good! Just a whole lot of drumming sounds and the woman prancing around in something skintight. Also a lot of here-I-come-on-my-knees-sliding-across-the-floor business. Flashdance wasn't just a movie man, it was a revolution! It was a movement! It inspired women all across the world in the 80s to dance hideously when provoked. Brilliant.

Wotever hppnd to Sridevi? One day she just stopped showing up in phillums. I say we should all rise up in arms and revolt to bring Sridevi back to the big screen. Ten bucks says she was a smoker. Nobody's voice can be that horrible. It's like Rani Mukherjee's voice. And we all know SHE'S a smoker. Ergo.

I can't remember Khuda Gawah. I remember it was mindnumbingly bad. I want to see it again.

In fact, I want to have an old Amitabh Bachchan movie weekend. With lots of booze. And fun company so we can snort about how cheesy The Big B was in the 80s. Who's game?

In other glam sham, did you know the number one reason for the existence of the sub-continental "diaspora" (god, I hate that word) in the United States, Dubai or London is kissing? It's true. Meera's moving. It's a sad sad day when you are ostracized for your art. Innit? INNIT?

Would you check out the lineup in Kamal Haasan's Mumbai Xpress? You can only get this sort of collaboration with your caantacts man.

And I find it very interesting that Salman Khan's movie involves him playing a dance instructor coming to the aid of a pretty white chick. 'Cuz you KNOW he thinks he's all dat and dim sum. Yes. Verrry interesteeng indeeeed.

Do you remember that scene in Ajay Devgan's first movie where his first screen appearance is standing atop two bikes as the riders pull into some college *mad giggling*? Now they're doing washing machine ads.

Speaking of washing machine ads, we never did find out if Mrs. Dubey used to do pressure cooker ads in India.

So Born in Brothels won an Oscar. Very nice. Someone made a movie about children born to sex workers in India. Very humanitarian. The movie was shown in various film festivals and won lots of awards too. It also raised a whole lotta cash and was strangely never shown in India. How much of that cash was given to the subjects is wot I'd like to know. I can go to India and make countless movies about the "plight of the suffering masses". Doesn't really matter if nothing good is going to come of it. Personally, I don't think the lives of children born in Brothels should be used for entertainment value. But hey, that's just my opinion.

Things you don't hear people say very often.

"We have a smoking, queen for you. Just sign here."

Sure, bubba, send him right up.

Does it have paan stains as well?

Delhi has a metro system. Who'd'vethunk?!

The problem with reading user reviews is that most users are idiots.

"This building is 100 years old, and the elevator is sort of scary. It is kind of like a cage, but you get used to it."

How long do you have to be in an elevator-cage to 'get used to it'?!

My closet heterosexual

I wonder how Nishan is doing these days. If anyone sees Mr. Kohli, tell him Sudha was inquiring *mad giggle*. Meanwhile, check out one of my very favourite websites - iAgora. I remember talking to him in DC when this was in its infancy. iAgora sure has come a long way since. You know, for some strange reason, every time I think of you and Jay, I think of the Fab Five. Don't ask why.

Hey there, Satellite E. Goin' my way?

So when I was in the store yesterday, purchasing Spaz (short for Spaztic, the yellow duck) and other misc. rubber duckies for The Googster, I thought about Marcel Marceau. And it made me smile.

Trippin'

Wot's a good site to plan a San Francisco vacation?

Yes, yes, hello, good morning, hope you slept well blah blah. I dreamt all the pigeons had gone mad and were chasing me and trying to poop on me. Not quite Hitchcock but very Hunter S. I could do with some coffee.